To be honest, there’s nothing special about running a 5k in Germany, probably, other than the announcements, slogans, and directions were all in German. Also the beer tents were directly at the finish line. And also honestly, I have never run any kind of race event before so I have nothing to compare my experience here in Frankfurt, with 5Ks elsewhere.
But I do know this: I have totally confirmed my disdain for running for time, crowds, and sweating in public.
Why did you do this
My company is full of fit young people and they decided, before I was hired, to form a team for the JP Morgan Challenge. A 5k which goes through the financial district of Frankfurt. A city which, like other European cities, does not have the widest streets I’ve ever seen. But I wanted to join in to hang with colleagues outside of work and show my company spirit. Plus I thought “How long is a 5k anyway? How much is a k?”
I can occasionally be spotted on a local treadmill doing some running at the very quick pace of “6” and feeling pretty proud of that. Or I’m on an evening “jog” that some might call a “walk.” I wish I liked running more, I really did, it’s probably one of the cheapest ways of staying in shape besides not eating. My excuses for not running are “it’s pretty painful on my hips/ankles to run on concrete” and “I have so many more lines from TNG to memorize before I can move on to another hobby.” Generally if I’m running outside on concrete, something is on fire behind me, or there’s a bear.
And to be fair, I do generally run sometimes when I realize that walking to the fridge and back leaves me a bit winded.
Exercising with other people is also not really my favorite, unless I’m training them or they’re training me. Otherwise I feel all self-concious and immediately forget what a bicep is and why I should work on it. So since I like to find my discomfort zones and plow through them eyes shut until I stumble through to the other side, running a 5k, with people, outside on concrete, was destined to be.
How did it go
Like most things I dread, it went better than expected. I’m proud to say I only walked for one minute of the race and I didn’t get lost. It would have been impossible to get lost however. There were 60,000 people running this thing and it was pretty much like standing in line at Ikea at 10:05am on a Saturday, but moving one’s feet a little more rapidly. My favorite parts were the beginning and the end, where we were all crammed together between barriers not moving, with no possible way out quickly and safely in an emergency. Absolutely no anxiety about that.
It took me probably a full 10 minutes to settle in and let the adrenaline subside. The cattle chute they started all of us in was about half a mile back from the starting line (or roughly that) and it was calm and chill for 20 or 30 minutes, with all of us very slowly surging forward. It was completely startling then, as we suddenly arrived at the start line, and the pace went from 0-60 at once. I had done absolutely 0 preparation physically or mentally, and therefore burst out of that crowd like we were in this for the record time, mainly due to sheer panic.
I loved running through the streamers / confetti someone released at the halfway point. Except it wasn’t the halfway point, it was only about 500m in and it was very disappointing realizing how long 500m felt, and to have to do another 4500m. Many nice people came out onto the sidewalks to drink beer and stare silently as we ran by. Others had entire group costumes and cooridnated accessories and noise makers planned out and formed long “cheering chains” to yell enthusiastically “you are doing a good job” as only Germans can.
The most brutal part of the race was trying to plan a route through the crowd. Lots of accidental elbow throwing, leaping around people, head on a swivel before I stepped even slightly to one side or the other in case I got plowed into by actual runners who were taking this very seriously. I had to laugh when we got to 300m to go and the crowd just stopped, completely backed up from the finish line, and all the actual runners started loudly sighing and huffing, checking their smartwatches, doing those jumpy thingies in place, because we were going nowhere. You really thought you were going to set a personal best at a giant “Corporate Challenge” which might as well be translated into “fun run”?
The course also had DJs along the way. Some yelled things like “WAS GEHT AB DEEEEUUUTSCHLÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄND?!” and others “SEEEEEHRRRR GÜÜÜÜÜÜÜT” over extremely loud Discotheque-ish Musik which, needless to say, super motivating. There were a few drumlines that consisted of a minimum 8 bass drums and one snare to rule them all, lots of party horns and plenty of people yelling “WOO” noises. It felt kind of like running through Fasching. Sometimes the bystanders were so ridiculous I had to laugh, and I’m hoping that one of the 243 photographers with massive zoom-lenses caught me mid-laugh so I can become the meme of “ridiculously photogenic runner.”
There was an unfortunate incident in the end, where I had the absolute worst leg cramp in my hamstring I have ever felt and a stranger started massaging my thigh, unrequested. I also hopped the people-trapping barriers at the end to just finish the damn thing and ran down the sidewalk with some others, and it turns out when you do this you don’t actually get a registered finishing time. But based on the coworkers I sort of kept pace with, I estimate I came in at between 41 and 45 Minuten.
Are you going to do it next year
Hell no I’m not doing that again. As much fun as finishing was that is an experience I have added to the the list of “never again”. I am not a fan of large crowds I can’t exit easily, being hot and sweaty and then riding public transportation, and running.
But who am I kidding: I change my mind so often I will most likely be in this race again next June and I’ll probably love/hate it the entire time just like this year 🙂
Featured photo credit: https://running-twins.de/2012/06/19/auf-zum-firmenlauf/
3 Responses
Be sure to post that photograph of smiling photogenic Audrey loving the Fun Run. If you ever see it.
Great essay! I’ve always wanted to run a 5k, but I guess I have to keep running in order to build up to a 5k… Ironically, the advertisement at the bottom of this article when I read it was a photo of a person’s incredibly puffy leg, with a sock line deeply embedded in their calf about half an inch deep, with the caption, “4 signs you’re about to die of a heart attack.”
Hah no way, that was the ad? I think maybe I can relate. Glad you liked it, I feel writing this all out helped process the trauma that was the run 😉