I have found an author who is writing what I’m observing on a near-daliy basis. Granted, there are a lot of generalizations on what I say, but he is an authority on the subject, and his services and credentials are here and here. Basically, you can take his word as an expert opinion and mine…are the ramblings of my overly talkative brain when I’m left alone on trains, at the grocery store, having epiphanies on cultural differences while waiting for the bus after being shoved aside by all the little old ladies so they can eagerly run two steps to the driver, use freaking pennies to buy their oneway tickets, after enquiring all the exact stops the bus will take along their route…what?
There’s a known set of “German traits” for people here, describing them to be cold, direct, unfeeling, rude even. It’s easy to just brush it off in one direction, “that’s just who they are as a people,” or in another direction, “that’s your cultural bias showing through, you only perceive Germans to be that way.” I’d like to argue it’s both, and sometimes more one direction than the other, and then it reverses.
One big point to remember when figuring out one’s frame of reference: are you in a new place and how long have you been there? Or even “are you experiencing something new and life changing and for how long has this been going on?”. The Culture Shock Timeline, seen expertly drawn out below, is a pretty standard way to visualize how we do as humans in new places and in new life experiences. I used this graph when I taught International Business students at the university in Wiesbaden, to demonstrate what they may go through if they move abroad for work, or what their foreign coworkers might experience when moving to Germany.
A lot of times, in my professional life over here, I’ve felt loud, brash, over dramatic, too center-stage, just too much. Before all 7 of you readers who know me in person jump in with your “but that’s just not your professional life!” lame jokes, know this: I am aware I’m a chatty and sometimes loud person, socially. What I’m referring to here are normal business interactions, like speaking in a meeting, writing an email, chatting at the lunch table. Interactions where I switch into professional Audrey quite well normally. I have known for awhile Germans are not fans of small talk, at all, but I didn’t realize just how deeply this dislike went. I can feel the exact moment when my German colleague is starting to physically and mentally pull away in an attempt to stop the conversation so we may continue efficient work.
I personally love that I’m a chatty and fun person; I’ll go ahead and say it: life is a party and I want to plan and attend the biggest one. I think everyone would have a better life if they planned their own life parties and invited all the fun people to them. I’m not even sure I’m that good at toning it down, so I’m probably the last person who should have moved over here and attempted to integrate into a more reserved and stand-offish culture.
So What Are You Doing Over There?
I’m doing as the title suggests. Not only do I grow my Wortschatz everyday a bit more, I also grow my frame of reference a tiny bit more each day, week or month, whatever my mental and emotional capacity allows for in the moment. I have learned a lot about giving myself (and others) (but mostly myself) grace. Grace to be what I am in the moment, to let go of shoulds, grace to allow for growth and opportunity instead of letting my mistakes make my rules. I absolutely could have done this back in DC in the life I was living there, and there is absolutely a part of me that was. I wouldn’t have had the knowledge and wisdom to look back at who I was and where I came from, in comparison today, if I hadn’t done some serious growing in my life. It’s hard to tell which parts of my journey are built on external influencers, the big move, the relationships cultivated, the education and experience gained, and which are internal and intrinsic to who I am. My penchant for having a fairly vivid imagination, having a plan A, but also definitely having down to plan H, empathy with everyone and everything (houseplants, I love you, please live), being my own devil’s advocate to the point I can’t always make up my mind on my own opinions.
And I’ll talk about all of this a lot, to anyone, at any time, because I love to talk and I love especially to talk about hypotheticals and “what else could be”. I find this to have been essential to my creativity and to my success at work. So working with people who are not so into conditionals and vague language, that’s hard for me. It’s even more difficult when I consider my humor (and I’m hilarious) to be dry and witty and basically charming af, as well as an essential part of who I am, and Germans would prefer no sarcasm and direct, to the point language. It’s basically impossible for me to not have a conversation without one dry or witty mark, because it’s just how I think and talk. I’m fine with it. I can also turn it off when absolutely needed buuuuut I hardly ever see a reason or situation when humor is never needed.
The Thicker Skin Part...
So an interesting thing happened at work the other day when I couldn’t use humor in a conversation AND I had to deal with really direct and in my face language. Though I work in the creative industry, I’d never considered myself one of the creatives – just the person who stomped all over their design dreams with budget and timeline constraints. But in my current job, I am really embracing and stretching my talents as a photographer and though I could say I’m dipping my toes in as a professional, it feels more like a complete head first plunge out into the ocean from a dingy boat. The dingy boat representing my confidence level.
I brought back photos from my second project assignment, first assignment I was really on my own, to cull and edit before passing off to my colleagues to critique and further edit as necessary. I was absolutely fine with the idea of someone else redoing my work to make it better, since better work should be the goal overall, until I wasn’t. I think part of me deep down thought there was no way someone would want to change my work, because it’s perfect the way it is. Otherwise, why would I be selected for the job?
When the critique came back that some adjustments were needed, I felt so defensive. I was actually shocked my style was not “fit” for the project. What a ridiculously ego-centered reaction. Going through the photos and discussing further edits needed was one of the best things to happen to me as a professional, creative, hobbiest, project manager, person, whatever, that I needed to actually feel that “growth” every meditation and startup guru is talking about. In the end, the adjustments were really minor and, yes some were subjective style critiques, but others were more technical in nature and provided me more education in the printing side of photography. I’m grateful to my colleague who was patient with me while I swallowed my pride and just listened, instead of justified my actions or thoughts.
I probably would not have been able to do this so quickly and calmly, because it was a real adjustment I had to make once that one sentence Slack message came through, had I not been immersed in a culture that does this blunt and straightforward criticism as a natural way to communicate. While my first instinct would have been to soften the blow and not been direct about the edits needed, now I understand the value of very clear and precise communication especially in matters of different professional opinions.
What Is The Point?
The point: I am loving embracing direct and precise language into my witty, sarcastic and sometimes overly flowery methods of communicating. I think in the past, I probably was a little more direct than most of the people in my network as a natural personality trait, and here I’ve learned what it feels like to be on the receiving end of that bluntness. So I’ve relied on my empathy skills to learn how to soften my own blows while keeping my message front and center. There’s no need to be mean when disagreeing or offering another viewpoint, and to be honest I do still feel that, for the most part, the German method of communicating can really be rude and lacking in empathy. But such a huge generalization doesn’t deserve to carry much weight behind it as an expert analysis of an entire culture, and so I will maintain that that statement is my opinion, and while I’ve found others who agree, it’s still important to keep in mind not everyone is like that here.
And the ones who are truly rude and too blunt to be considered nice? The customer service reps who seem to have forgotten what “customer” and “service” mean? I have suddenly lost all my German speaking ability and I’m afraid we’ll just have to stumble through hand language and slow speaking until we understand each other. This is my small and annoying civil disobedience 🙂
7 Responses
I can relate to what you say about criticism, but is it just a German thing? I am retired which gives me time to rant in public forums and in submissions to local politicians about all sorts of issues. If I think it important enough or if the argument involves detailed explanations, I might ask my wife to check my draft; missing commas is a major issue. This process is rarely fun as my productivity would be seriously reduced when I submit to this oversight, so a second opinion is avoided as sometimes she does not understand technical aspects of my position (I trained as a lawyer) and trying to explain it is too much like hard work. I don’t know if you can take heart from this, but you seem to be handling the issue well on your own.
As to the humour (sic) after listening to your podcast experience, you’d be very welcome in Australia if times were not so dire and travel was permitted.
Hi! No, criticism is not just a German thing, for sure. I tried to make a balance between “what is my cultural expectations” and “what are my personal expectations” in this post and in daily life in general. I think if you directly heard some of the conversation, the mundane work or daily interactions which occur naturally, you might also pick up on “hm, that feels like it stung a bit more than it had to.” I think maybe there are more “walls” here, in that if I said “hey do you like my shirt?” the answer could very well be “no.” And with no elaboration, no comment, no suggestion I would feel rebuffed and pushed to the side. Obviously this is where “what are my personal expectations” have to be measured to, but I do think I’ve come to the correct conclusion that German culture, maybe Scandinavian culture, does not value these extra conversation elements as much as the English speaking world. I haven’t used so many “quotes” in a long time 🙂
Thank you for the invite to Australia! A country I’ve only stopped in at the airport and continued on, and I really would love to spend time there. See you on the other side of the pandemic!
Wow! What an experience! Culturally immersion is really hard, especially in a business setting. And coincidentally, I received feedback today at work that I am too direct.
It is really hard! And so great! And I wouldn’t change any of it! I’m guessing that feedback might have stung a little, I find it hard to separate what I’m feeling about the feedback vs. is the feedback valuable. Do you find that happens sometimes too?
Well this really hit home, and was very timely for today! While I’m not dealing with the complicated issue of cultural differences, I am dealing with misunderstandings that have created extreme anxiety for me. Two things you wrote I’ll have to keep in mind for a meeting later today: “I understand the value of very clear and precise communication” and “I swallowed my pride and just listened, instead of justified my actions or thoughts.”
Thank you for this!
🙂 that second thought is something I have to actively practice. A lot. Everyday. It helped when I started reframing the thought as “I value what this other person has to say because they’ve taken the time to say it, and I’ve showed up to listen” even when I totally disagree at first.